Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
