I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
