The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
