After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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