Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
