i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
