Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
