She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
