Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
