i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
