i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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