Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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