Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
birth control should be required to get into college
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
