Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
false alarm. still invincible.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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