just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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