i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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