You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
