Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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