i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my phone needs a breathalizer
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
