I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
