She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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