i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
