I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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