Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
