she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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