and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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