from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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