He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
