My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
