Pants 0. Shit 1.
Your dad touched me again.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
