Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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