my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
