It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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