I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
