twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
