Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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