i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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