I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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