i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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