The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
