Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
