Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
