It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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