i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Please, let me fuck your mom
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
