Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
What a dumb baby whore.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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