Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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