Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
