He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
