I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just blew my weed a kiss
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
