Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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