Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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