Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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