Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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