how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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