literally had 100 drinks last night.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
