hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
