Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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