Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
